How it All Begins

from Music You Can't Listen to Because it Doesn't Exist by Kelly Betz

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lyrics

I just had a breakdown
Just had a nervous breakdown
I just had a breakdown
Just had a nervous breakdown

I moved to Columbia
the summer after high school
I’d been living with a run away in the basement of my friends parents
But she moved to California
wanting to take me with her
And I’d stayed because me sister had offered me a mattress on her back porch

My childhood friend
camped on the porch with me
He was spastic but very good looking
enthusiastic but aloof
We were very in to shrooms then
so we each ate about a handful
On our first night away from our hometowns and our lovers and our beds

This house was filled with artists
They’d stacked up magazines and records
and mirrors and instruments that nobody could play
The front yard was very unusual, it was all uneven bricks and dirt
The run away I’d fallen in love with called me so we talked

She says she thinks we’re still together
I thought obviously her leaving
was us ending our romance
She’s crying and it dawns on me
she was my best friend
And now I’m stuck with some hippies that I don’t know the true me

How can you breakdown
if you were already at the bottom?
And maybe I’m only realizing I should’ve been freaking out this whole time
What if until now
I’ve been carefully lying to myself?
And any safety I feel is an illusion I should be fighting to stay in reality?

I said to my sister “I’m in hell now”
so she took me inside the front room
And collected every lamp in the house turning them on around me
It was very nice and relaxing
and I felt like I could speak again
But a looming danger was ever present and I wanted to shrink and die

Years later I’ll learn that
this is drug induced psychosis
And trauma from hallucinations triggering my first manic episode
Because god plays cruel tricks on schizo effective bi polars
Where the symptoms don’t fully express until you’re a young adult

I think I just had a breakdown
Just had a nervous breakdown
I just had a breakdown
Just had a nervous breakdown

credits

from Music You Can't Listen to Because it Doesn't Exist, released August 24, 2018

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Kelly Betz Columbia, Missouri

Founder of No Coast | Multi Instrumentalist, Singer & Producer

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